Funniest thing you've heard all day/week

[obscurejude]

I had a friend who was very stupid at work. Nice guy, just pretty stupid. Anyways, I started calling him autistic and it just kind of caught on. Well, a bunch of us went out to the movies and I kid you not, there was a comercial about autism. There was a kid playing golf with his dad and a narrator said, "Chances of becoming a professional golfer, one in a million. Chances of becoming autistic, one in twelve." I lost it. I was crying. I was screaming. Everybody in the movie theater turned around and it made me laugh even harder. My infectious laughter caught on, and suddenly a whole theater was laughing about autism. It was a great moment in my life.

[Girlystevedave]

That reminds me of today at work, a customer asked me if she could step outside for a minute. Confused, I said "Yeah."
I turned to my boss and asked: "DO we have the right to hold customers prisoner? Cause if we do, I need to know these things?"

[obscurejude]

Next time, you'll know what to do. Stupid questions sometimes deserve stupid answers. I hate it when I'm asked, "Do you work here?" I mean, I'm wearing a uniform, a name tag and a radio. Sometimes, I just say no, and look them in the eye until they look away.

[obscurejude]

one time this old lady was kind of a bitch and she asked me if we carried "depends." I kept saying "what?" like I couldn't hear her until she had to scream, "Depends! You know, the adult diapers." It was awesome.

[Girlystevedave]

Next time, you'll know what to do. Stupid questions sometimes deserve stupid answers. I hate it when I'm asked, "Do you work here?" I mean, I'm wearing a uniform, a name tag and a radio. Sometimes, I just say no, and look them in the eye until they look away.

That's hilarious

[Girlystevedave]

I've had people come up to me in stores before and start asking me questions.
I'm just like: "Um, I'm just picking out shampoo. Maybe you should find a manager or something."

[obscurejude]

I've had people come up to me in stores before and start asking me questions.
I'm just like: "Um, I'm just picking out shampoo. Maybe you should find a manager or something."

Well played.

[Girlystevedave]

My sister has great work stories. She works at Home Depot, where apparently, all customers are complete idiots. She said a guy came in today to pick up an order. He actually thought he was at HH Gregg.
HOW!!

[obscurejude]

I know, America acts like we should have to tolerate complete morons. I would have just handed him an empty box to see what happens.

[alinda]

Ok , so its not the funniest thing I've heard
but my little sister sends me jokes via e-mail
and I really think this is funny so....

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"
" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then,- why do you even give a shit?"


Good one no?

[educatedlady]

A co-worker was reading an email from a friend about the song her son sang to her. When he shared the song with me I about died. Kids are so funny sometimes. He is three and this is his song:

Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommyyyyyyyy GOOOOOOOOO AWAAAAAAYYYYYY!

Apparently after singing the song he took a bow and said, "did you like it mommy?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Alright, dirty minded me, but a little old lady was straightening the run on the floor at the gas station and she says, "You need a better rug."
And so I said, "You don't like my rug?" and inside I died laughing.

[Jon]

I work as a counselor at a residential home for young boys who have committed minor offenses.

One boy was on a barstool, up on his knees with his ass way up in the air. One of the staff members said "Hey "Billy" put it down, you aren't in D.O.C. (Department of corrections) yet!"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Larry called up a friend the other day, and got his wife. He said, "Is Dick in?" Then when his wife said, "let me check" he dissolved into laughter.

[LadyHitchhiker]

The other day I told my manager I couldn't become a bartender because I'm allergic to oranges and I couldn't make drinks like screwdrivers and fuzzy nasals. This is the new big joke at work now.

Also, I put some hotdogs in a styrafoam container - not thinking anything of it - and stuck it for a minute on the microwave setting of the convection oven. The styrofoam wrapped around the hotdogs in a cocoon. I ran up to my manager and said, "Look what happened to my hotdogs! I have a dilemma!" And she screams, "You have wrapped weenies!!!!!!" So then I had to cut my hotdogs to free them from their encasement and we're still laughing about it.

[parsnip]

"Do you think stupid people sit around bitching about how many smart people there are in the world?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That is definitely food for thought and a great t-shirt catch phrase on top it all.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Jan was looking up a book for a guy, and he said, "Girls of the Bible Gone Bad is one of them, and Very Bad Girls of the Bible.."

I of course had to say, "How about Girls of the Bible Gone Wild?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

He's bisexual. He likes to buy sex.

[Jon]

She's Trisexual...she'll try anything.

[Girlystevedave]

My dad went to pick up a 35 pound bag of potting soil that my mom had bought. I said: "It's a big bag."
He said: "Yeah, I know...but I love her anyway."

[She-Oy]

This isn't so much funny, well yes it is, because stupid people, I mean really dumb ones are funny to me..

So my co-worker who's only 20 asks me, "Do they have phone books in California?"

I sort of just sat there stunned for a moment before I said very slowly and sarcastically "Yyyyyyeeeessss, they have phone books for every city and state."

She just said, "Oh, ok!" and then a couple of seconds later she asked, "Well what to they call them in other states?"

At that moment she officially made me almost pee in my pants of laughter and earned the on-going nickname, Jessica, as in Jessica Simpson.

[Odetta]

My 3 year old came up with this one yesterday morning while I was getting her dressed...

"Momma, when I am big I'm going to wear a pretty dress and glass slippers like Cinderella. But I'm going to find my OWN prince. But, he has to be little because I'm a teeny, teeny girl."

[Bethany]

upon being told her parents are no longer married, my 7 year old let out a sigh of relief and said "great! now i don't have to waste my breath praying for him every night!"

o_O

[She-Oy]

upon being told her parents are no longer married, my 7 year old let out a sigh of relief and said "great! now i don't have to waste my breath praying for him every night!"

o_O

Poor Emmy! That's great! I guess unfortunately you had to tell her unlike you, she was bound to him by blood, so yeah, the prayers should probably continue??!!